LJI Week 1
Sep. 21st, 2026 11:08 amIt's been almost seven months since her death, but I'm riding around with grandma's cane wedged behind the driver's seat of my car. This weekend, we were driving home one of my son's friends, and he asked whose cane it was.
"It's my grandmother's," I said, "but she died, but my brother-in-law had to borrow it recently because he fell off a ladder." I was overexplaining, but it didn't seem to be enough to say the cane belonged to my grandmother, because then he might think grandma was still alive, and she's decidedly not.
Watching my grandmother whittle away was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I knew it would be. I anticipated it in the many years leading up to the end. Where my grandfather was like a dear friend and support system, my grandmother was home. My own name is partially hers (Marie is a large part of Ginamarie) and my daughter's middle name is also Marie. All roads lead back to grandma. My dining room set is what she picked out in the 1960s, light brown wood and clean lines. She recovered the dining room chairs in the 1990s, and even though the floral she put underneath is not really my style (and doesn't fit into the mid-century modern feel of the room), I can't bear to change them. She covered those chairs so firmly in thick plastic that they look as good today as they did back then.
She fell on Christmas and broke her hip. I knew it was bad because she kept putting her head down on the table and sighing. Like she knew that painful hip was going to take her down. It did. She did surprisingly well with surgery given the fact that she was 101, but rehab was difficult and she continued to deteriorate. When she came home, we made the decision to put her on hospice, and the team was caring and kind. The last time I saw her, grandma was really happy to see me, but she fell asleep while I was talking about the snowy weather.
I picked out her coffin on a Sunday morning after about 3 hour of sleep. It had a row of flowers like the dining room set she picked out in the 1980s (the one which sits in my sister's house), but the same light wood as the 1960s set. I think she would have liked it. We buried her on a day too hot and sunny for New York City in March. Grandma hated the cold, so it seemed fitting. I wore a black cotton dress I found at Costco. I don't usually wear black. We ate at one of her favorite Italian restaurants- lots of bread and red sauce, course after course. We fed our grief and had to turn back around to Pennsylvania, where some trees at the back of my property were leaning on the neighbor's yard- laden with snow and ice. The neighbor was waiting for us when we got back home that night, because life doesn't give you time to grieve. It just marches on.
Last week, I dug up some home videos, determined to hear her voice again, and there she was- smiling, laughing, teasing my grandfather. I realized that most of the people in those videos are gone now- all of my grandparents, great aunts and uncles, my dad. Now I'm the older generation. Old enough that when I told my niece I was taking dance lessons she burst into a belly laugh. "You're too old for dance Aunt G," she shouted into the phone.
I'm relieved that my son's friend asked who the cane belonged to and not WHY it was in my car. The answer to that is a lot more revealing. I've left it there deliberately. Each time I approach the car, I see it and I think she's with me, that she's just toddling up to the other side of the car, that we're making a trip to the grocery store or the bank. I almost wait to hear her compliment my jewelry or my blouse and anticipate her comments on how I should dye my hair. Just for a breath, I have her with me.
"It's my grandmother's," I said, "but she died, but my brother-in-law had to borrow it recently because he fell off a ladder." I was overexplaining, but it didn't seem to be enough to say the cane belonged to my grandmother, because then he might think grandma was still alive, and she's decidedly not.
Watching my grandmother whittle away was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I knew it would be. I anticipated it in the many years leading up to the end. Where my grandfather was like a dear friend and support system, my grandmother was home. My own name is partially hers (Marie is a large part of Ginamarie) and my daughter's middle name is also Marie. All roads lead back to grandma. My dining room set is what she picked out in the 1960s, light brown wood and clean lines. She recovered the dining room chairs in the 1990s, and even though the floral she put underneath is not really my style (and doesn't fit into the mid-century modern feel of the room), I can't bear to change them. She covered those chairs so firmly in thick plastic that they look as good today as they did back then.
She fell on Christmas and broke her hip. I knew it was bad because she kept putting her head down on the table and sighing. Like she knew that painful hip was going to take her down. It did. She did surprisingly well with surgery given the fact that she was 101, but rehab was difficult and she continued to deteriorate. When she came home, we made the decision to put her on hospice, and the team was caring and kind. The last time I saw her, grandma was really happy to see me, but she fell asleep while I was talking about the snowy weather.
I picked out her coffin on a Sunday morning after about 3 hour of sleep. It had a row of flowers like the dining room set she picked out in the 1980s (the one which sits in my sister's house), but the same light wood as the 1960s set. I think she would have liked it. We buried her on a day too hot and sunny for New York City in March. Grandma hated the cold, so it seemed fitting. I wore a black cotton dress I found at Costco. I don't usually wear black. We ate at one of her favorite Italian restaurants- lots of bread and red sauce, course after course. We fed our grief and had to turn back around to Pennsylvania, where some trees at the back of my property were leaning on the neighbor's yard- laden with snow and ice. The neighbor was waiting for us when we got back home that night, because life doesn't give you time to grieve. It just marches on.
Last week, I dug up some home videos, determined to hear her voice again, and there she was- smiling, laughing, teasing my grandfather. I realized that most of the people in those videos are gone now- all of my grandparents, great aunts and uncles, my dad. Now I'm the older generation. Old enough that when I told my niece I was taking dance lessons she burst into a belly laugh. "You're too old for dance Aunt G," she shouted into the phone.
I'm relieved that my son's friend asked who the cane belonged to and not WHY it was in my car. The answer to that is a lot more revealing. I've left it there deliberately. Each time I approach the car, I see it and I think she's with me, that she's just toddling up to the other side of the car, that we're making a trip to the grocery store or the bank. I almost wait to hear her compliment my jewelry or my blouse and anticipate her comments on how I should dye my hair. Just for a breath, I have her with me.